I was listening to yesterday's Flirty at 10.30 on Fly FM.

A guy, best friends with a girl for 15 years finally decides to tell her he has grown feelings for her. Right away, I was reminded of my own situation - it never reached the 15 year mark but I still hurt even after 3 years.

This guy... he was very confident she would say yes to him.

Oh, if he only knew how much I wanted to reach into the radio and slap him. if he only knew how much I wanted to cut off their conversation but as powerless as I was those few years ago, I saw how history repeated itself with different actors.

The curse of the best friend forever... truly sickening.

My heart went out for both the guy and the girl.



Because I know what will happen next.

For the times I treat you like a jerk,

For the times I made you cry for me,

For the times I made you hurt,

For the times you wish you never knew me.



I wish I can make it all right again but please forgive me.

I don't know how.

Dear Friend,

I wish I don't have this ego as my wall. You have no idea how much I missed talking to you. It's not that I really want to keep you away from me, it's just that it hurts to know that you are still with her, the person I can't forget and that... that is where it hurts.

Never have I intentionally wanted to hurt you but my actions do so... intentionally. I am very happy every time you try to strike a conversation with me but you see, this pride, he won't let me talk to you the way I would.

This pride is convinced that if I let you in my life the way you have always been, I will hurt. I don't want to be reminded of her, and yet remind me of her you do because you have taken that special place she used to have for me.

It's good to know that she can be in no better hands than yours.

But you, I have wronged you many times and yet you still try to save us.

I feel like a jerk. I know I am for the way I am treating you but this little man, he hurts too.

I want to tell you many things but as I keep on writing here I find that the words leave me as easily as breath does.

I hope you find happiness in whatever you do.

This little man, he has never been worth keeping.

She should know.

A conversation between me and APPLE (names changed).

APPLE says:

i do have dreams

they're quite clear

just don't know how to get there

i realise i'm being more and more sensitive lately

to things that never used to bother me

like, ppl not adding me into their top friends

wohlres says:

well

if it's of any importance

i do feel sensitive about the top friend like issues

APPLE says:

you do?

actually i don't bother adding ppl into top friends since 5 months ago since i joined facebook

but it upsets me if everyone else is on but me

wohlres says:

actually i don't bother adding ppl into top friends since 5 months ago since i joined facebook

but it upsets me if everyone else is on but me <---- this is what im talking about

for about a year i suppose

APPLE says:

yeah

 

wohlres says:

i feel left out when ppl go out for movies

and they never even think of asking me

or the usual wish everyone good, but not me

APPLE says:

you're making me feel guilty

wohlres says:

um

no no

its okay

im used to it already

as i said last night

once you accept who you really are, things dont seem so bad after all

APPLE says:

are you?

wohlres says:

am i what?

APPLE says:

accepting

wohlres says:

bit by bit

but im sure there will come a time when i can accept that this new person is the one who will live out the rest of his days

APPLE says:

why do you say that?

wohlres says:

because im accepting who i am now

as i said bit by bit

fully accepting it will take some time

APPLE says:

i can't fully accept myself right now as well

it's a long process

wohlres says:

i've only started this... this accepting thing after that one small incident

it's almost as if that one incident was one big turning point in my life

APPLE says:

which one small incident are you talking about?

wohlres says:

probably the only one i ever talk about

 

APPLE says:

her?

wohlres says:

yeah

hehehe

APPLE says:

you do love her very much, don't you?

i wonder why there are people in our lives we just can't untangle ourselves from

wohlres says:

maybe i still do

that's one thing i find hard to accept

still loving someone

it's funny how the heart works

i never planned on falling, and yet fall i did

APPLE says:

you need to stop thinking that you fell for her

the mind is easy to be tricked

lie to it a little

anyway i want to go off to bed now

sakit perut

sigh

nite nite!

wohlres: a fisherman's tale: the one that gor away says:

okay

nite

APPLE says:

take care there

and the one that got away may not be the one for you

not all fishes hook up just like that

wohlres: a fisherman's tale: the one that gor away says:

im thinking its more like im not for anyone

that is what i have accepted

APPLE says:

you are for someone

i truly believe so

you're meant for a relationship and you know how to take care of a girl

wohlres: a fisherman's tale: the one that gor away says:

HAHAHAHAHA

APPLE says:

but if you keep on staring at one window

wohlres: a fisherman's tale: the one that gor away says:

*ehem*

APPLE says:

other windows open behind you and you'll never see them

NEVER make a mockery of what i say

wohlres: a fisherman's tale: the one that gor away says:

no

its not mockery

APPLE says:

then what?

wohlres: a fisherman's tale: the one that gor away says:

you're meant for a relationship and you know how to take care of a girl <--- i just find this line very funny

APPLE says:

i'm serious

wohlres: a fisherman's tale: the one that gor away says:

i can say you are wrong on both counts

APPLE says:

until today you're the only guy i can count on to make me feel good

as in

you'd say i'm pretty or whatever

and stuff like that

no other guy would

not even my own bf

wohlres: a fisherman's tale: the one that gor away says:

but you see... once you put the fishing rod inside its case

and once you head back home in your sweaty wellington boots

you stop looking at the fishes, even if they jump out of the surface

APPLE says:

but you see

you head home and realises that the fish has escaped

and you're hungry

and you realise you need to catch another fish

now this fish may not be as big as the first catch

may not be as nice or whatever

but this could be the fish that will feed you

love is like that

nourishment for the soul

and pls never tell anyone i say that

so crap

even for myself

wohlres: a fisherman's tale: the one that gor away says:

im going to paste that into my pathetic loser blog

all of it

names edited of course

APPLE says:

haha

why must you?

wohlres: a fisherman's tale: the one that gor away says:

paste it?

because the emo blog needs something for its fill

APPLE says:

paste it then

you can even paste my name

i give you that permission

what's important isn't that

what's important is, i hope you got what i'm trying to say

wohlres: a fisherman's tale: the one that gor away says:

i know what you mean

APPLE says:

read my lips

it's time to move on

wohlres: a fisherman's tale: the one that gor away says:

but right now i think i'll go vegan or eat my self

APPLE says:

it's time to move on

listen to this song: tattoo by jordin sparks

wohlres: a fisherman's tale: the one that gor away says:

yeah

i know that song

i had it as my status msg for a month

APPLE says:

yeah

i kinda remember that now

wohlres: a fisherman's tale: the one that gor away says:

if only i still have it

gone with my lsat hard drive

APPLE says:

there

APPLE sends:

    

wohlres: a fisherman's tale: the one that gor away says:

hahaha

you have everything do you?

APPLE says:

songs, perhaps

not everything in life, that's for sure

wohlres says:

you even read between the lines

so unfair

i think the connection is horrible tonight

every one second jerk disrupts the trasnfer

thanks anyway

Why is this here?

God knows.
I just want to move.

I really do.

This acceptance thing... why is it so hard?

Maybe I still miss you.

I feel empty inside but I can't really do anything about it.
I feel less the man that I used to be but I don't even try to change.

I have all these words in my heart but when I put them into writing they disappear like the alcohol on my skin.


I'll never get over you getting over me.

That is STILL the truth that I vehemently deny day by day.

I don't want to blame you but I find myself thinking of the things we used to do, and somehow I can't help but wonder if things would be any different had you taken a more 'sensitive' method.

Had you been more tactful, would I still be like this?
Would I still cling on to the memories wishing that they will never go away?

Would I still want to play hopscotch with my rationality while missing all the boxes?


I cannot comfort anyone anymore, I have lost all my words, all my guile. My everything. I want to blame you but I can't. I can't bear the burden of being the one at fault so I shamelessly try to push it away to you.

But you, you don't even care about us anymore.

You've probably forgotten I ever existed.

You made me realize that I am human too, that I too deserve to be special.

Fate would play the cruel goddess and make you take that very thing away from, and it had to be you who play thief to this pitiful beggar.

I don't want to think too much, I honestly want to move on.

But how can I?
How can I, when I know that I am no longer.. special?

As far as everyone else is concerned, I'm just another face on their Facebook profile.


People sure forget easily.

I don't. I still want to be special.
Maybe that's why it's so difficult.

If only you could read this...

by William Shakespeare

5am.

I can't sleep.

And listening to Anuar Zain's Lelaki Ini definitely does not help.

It's a song about how one man suffers because of his undying love.

Humans are funny in that way - the more they try to switch off something, the less likely they'll be able to forget it.

Music, you play a huge part in my life.
When I feel murderous, I put on some rock.
When I need to be soothed, R&B comes to the rescue.
When I long to be appreciated, Bach, Mozart and the likes come knocking.

I keep my options open. Too open. And that, ladies and gentleman, is why I'm listening to this song right now. I've heard a lot of people going ga-ga over this song.

Now I know why.

Universal heartbreak.

Something everyone can relate to.


I digress.
I did not come online at this ungodly hour, without even a minute's worth of sleep yet just to rant about lost love.

The truth is, I don't know why I'm here right now.

Not in front of the PC here, no.

I mean, life.

I thought I had everything charted out. Everything was just waiting for me.
Gone are the days when people would come up to me and ask for my name to write down into their little black books, thinking that I'll be on national media again.

The truth is, I don't even write into that little black book any more. Why bother?
There's nothing left to look forward to.

I can't live a routine - that's not me. I am too random for life.

I refuse to have life dictate what I have to do.

I still want to jump out of the ocean onto the moon, I can't swim with the fishes forever.
Fishes don't swim backwards. My whole point of existence is a double parallel of. pseudo-existence. It's like having double-multiple-personality and insisting that you only have OCD. While we're on that topic, I think my 'OCD' is getting more and more intense nowadays.

And yet, I still live in the past. Look at my watch here. Worn since 1997.
Not that I'm complaining but I'm the sort of guy who can't get rid of something I can still use. Or still need.

You know, I've always thought I'm better off now than I was 3 years ago, when it all started.
I always think to myself, 'if only I can be the person before 3 years ago' and what do I get?

Little black books, with nothing but phone numbers and names written, hidden between the pages, to forever be lost once the new year approaches - and you get a new diary.

But me, maybe my diary works differently because every day turns out just like another yesterday.

So what is the whole point of this post?


I need some sleep - maybe THEN I can figure it out.

Good night, dear Yesterday.
I'll see you again Tomorrow.

Have you ever been proud of someone in your life?

I think back and I realize that practically everyone I meet make me proud.

The girl who lacked confidence, the bad-mouthed braggart. I've seen many of their kinds under my wings and never have I realized how proud of them I've been. I feel happy, I really do. I can only watch them pass me by as I stand here at this rooftop. It's not that easy to surpass me but it still takes time to get used to.

The Wind Beneath My Wings - I used to have one but when she left I crashed down to the earth in a thunderous boom and I'm still here picking up whatever pieces are still left of me and my former self.

I am weak, yes I am. Far too weak now.
That is why, that is why every time I see someone I know reach greater heights, every time I see that I feel inspired, stronger even, and I feel so thankful that they have made it. that they have shown their true colors while I remain a fading pearl.

I'm writing this post because I saw a person very dear to me finally moving on with life> I can finally see that she is indeed God's Child, that it's time for her to shine. I want to congratulate her but I realize it's not my words that she needs.

This fading pearl, this fading pearl with no value is something no one needs. I am happy for her I really am. If, for life to be better for her, I have to be just a temporary respite I am content with it. I really want to see things be better for her and I don't care if it's a life for her with or without me. I wish that I can be the wind beneath your wings but this pearl blows no winds of his own.

Life is finally picking up for you - and I wish you all the best.


Now, let's see what I can do for me....

I've completely forgotten.

Time has definitely left me behind a cloud of dust.

I see them everyday but i have forgotten who they are.

Who?

My parents.

I didn't even realize that as I grow older, so do they.

My father can no longer trim the trees in my backyard.
He can't take out the trash anymore - it's gotten heavy for him.

My mother can no longer do housework the way she used to.
It takes her half an hour just to clean up the living room. A >100% increase compared to her average of 10 minutes.

And where have I been?


In the office. With my friends. In my room.

Everywhere, but here.

Anywhere, but with them.


Time reminds me once again that I stand to lose more as I stand here alone.

Blogsong (song I'm listening to while writing this post):
Tamia - Officially missing you.


I don't understand love.

They say love makes the world go round (the same thing was said of bread).

Love, they say, is a feeling. An emotion.


Is it any surprising then that it has to die?

Love dies... the same way emotions and feelings do.
They don't go to heaven where the angels fly. Rather, they just roll over and die.

So why are people together?

A less heartsy response would probably be commitment and responsibility.
So why do we commit? Because we love the person?
Is that what really it's all about then?

Isn't that just the same as saying we use love to make someone commit themselves unto us? I don't know and I don't understand. What happens when it dies?

Is that why we call it commitment?
At least, if and when love dies you still have commitment to fall back on to.
Perhaps it's less disheartening that way and perhaps it makes you feel more secure.

But in the end it brings us back to square one - what is love?

And why do we sacrifice so much of our sanity by trying to understand a different someone who may or may not love you back? And of course, to someone who won't love you back?



An officemate recently regaled us with her tales of woe - of how her husband has left the house for one month so that he could be with his new love. The children are asking about the father, and she doesn't know what to do. The guy even had the nerve to introduce his new love as "aunty" to his children.

The girl calls her "daddy's new girlfriend". I doubt she really know what it means. The new girlfriend is about the same age as his eldest daughter. For the past one month, the officemate has been supporting the family by herself - her hubby doesn't want to do anything.

She asked for a divorce if he really wants the new girl so badly but he refuses.
Perhaps he realizes how expensive divorces really are?

These kind of things, they make me wonder.
Those who do this, they say the passion has died.
People say you need to inject some spice back into life.
But who's to say what's really going on?

Why do I still cry for you?

Love is supposed to keep people together..
If so, then why must the ones we truly love also be the ones to truly hurt us?

It's not that we're not ready. We all are prepared (to some extent).
We know how fickle human minds are.


So why?

Should you fight for a new flame, or fight to keep a dying one burning?