If only you could read this...

by William Shakespeare

5am.

I can't sleep.

And listening to Anuar Zain's Lelaki Ini definitely does not help.

It's a song about how one man suffers because of his undying love.

Humans are funny in that way - the more they try to switch off something, the less likely they'll be able to forget it.

Music, you play a huge part in my life.
When I feel murderous, I put on some rock.
When I need to be soothed, R&B comes to the rescue.
When I long to be appreciated, Bach, Mozart and the likes come knocking.

I keep my options open. Too open. And that, ladies and gentleman, is why I'm listening to this song right now. I've heard a lot of people going ga-ga over this song.

Now I know why.

Universal heartbreak.

Something everyone can relate to.


I digress.
I did not come online at this ungodly hour, without even a minute's worth of sleep yet just to rant about lost love.

The truth is, I don't know why I'm here right now.

Not in front of the PC here, no.

I mean, life.

I thought I had everything charted out. Everything was just waiting for me.
Gone are the days when people would come up to me and ask for my name to write down into their little black books, thinking that I'll be on national media again.

The truth is, I don't even write into that little black book any more. Why bother?
There's nothing left to look forward to.

I can't live a routine - that's not me. I am too random for life.

I refuse to have life dictate what I have to do.

I still want to jump out of the ocean onto the moon, I can't swim with the fishes forever.
Fishes don't swim backwards. My whole point of existence is a double parallel of. pseudo-existence. It's like having double-multiple-personality and insisting that you only have OCD. While we're on that topic, I think my 'OCD' is getting more and more intense nowadays.

And yet, I still live in the past. Look at my watch here. Worn since 1997.
Not that I'm complaining but I'm the sort of guy who can't get rid of something I can still use. Or still need.

You know, I've always thought I'm better off now than I was 3 years ago, when it all started.
I always think to myself, 'if only I can be the person before 3 years ago' and what do I get?

Little black books, with nothing but phone numbers and names written, hidden between the pages, to forever be lost once the new year approaches - and you get a new diary.

But me, maybe my diary works differently because every day turns out just like another yesterday.

So what is the whole point of this post?


I need some sleep - maybe THEN I can figure it out.

Good night, dear Yesterday.
I'll see you again Tomorrow.

Have you ever been proud of someone in your life?

I think back and I realize that practically everyone I meet make me proud.

The girl who lacked confidence, the bad-mouthed braggart. I've seen many of their kinds under my wings and never have I realized how proud of them I've been. I feel happy, I really do. I can only watch them pass me by as I stand here at this rooftop. It's not that easy to surpass me but it still takes time to get used to.

The Wind Beneath My Wings - I used to have one but when she left I crashed down to the earth in a thunderous boom and I'm still here picking up whatever pieces are still left of me and my former self.

I am weak, yes I am. Far too weak now.
That is why, that is why every time I see someone I know reach greater heights, every time I see that I feel inspired, stronger even, and I feel so thankful that they have made it. that they have shown their true colors while I remain a fading pearl.

I'm writing this post because I saw a person very dear to me finally moving on with life> I can finally see that she is indeed God's Child, that it's time for her to shine. I want to congratulate her but I realize it's not my words that she needs.

This fading pearl, this fading pearl with no value is something no one needs. I am happy for her I really am. If, for life to be better for her, I have to be just a temporary respite I am content with it. I really want to see things be better for her and I don't care if it's a life for her with or without me. I wish that I can be the wind beneath your wings but this pearl blows no winds of his own.

Life is finally picking up for you - and I wish you all the best.


Now, let's see what I can do for me....

I've completely forgotten.

Time has definitely left me behind a cloud of dust.

I see them everyday but i have forgotten who they are.

Who?

My parents.

I didn't even realize that as I grow older, so do they.

My father can no longer trim the trees in my backyard.
He can't take out the trash anymore - it's gotten heavy for him.

My mother can no longer do housework the way she used to.
It takes her half an hour just to clean up the living room. A >100% increase compared to her average of 10 minutes.

And where have I been?


In the office. With my friends. In my room.

Everywhere, but here.

Anywhere, but with them.


Time reminds me once again that I stand to lose more as I stand here alone.

Blogsong (song I'm listening to while writing this post):
Tamia - Officially missing you.


I don't understand love.

They say love makes the world go round (the same thing was said of bread).

Love, they say, is a feeling. An emotion.


Is it any surprising then that it has to die?

Love dies... the same way emotions and feelings do.
They don't go to heaven where the angels fly. Rather, they just roll over and die.

So why are people together?

A less heartsy response would probably be commitment and responsibility.
So why do we commit? Because we love the person?
Is that what really it's all about then?

Isn't that just the same as saying we use love to make someone commit themselves unto us? I don't know and I don't understand. What happens when it dies?

Is that why we call it commitment?
At least, if and when love dies you still have commitment to fall back on to.
Perhaps it's less disheartening that way and perhaps it makes you feel more secure.

But in the end it brings us back to square one - what is love?

And why do we sacrifice so much of our sanity by trying to understand a different someone who may or may not love you back? And of course, to someone who won't love you back?



An officemate recently regaled us with her tales of woe - of how her husband has left the house for one month so that he could be with his new love. The children are asking about the father, and she doesn't know what to do. The guy even had the nerve to introduce his new love as "aunty" to his children.

The girl calls her "daddy's new girlfriend". I doubt she really know what it means. The new girlfriend is about the same age as his eldest daughter. For the past one month, the officemate has been supporting the family by herself - her hubby doesn't want to do anything.

She asked for a divorce if he really wants the new girl so badly but he refuses.
Perhaps he realizes how expensive divorces really are?

These kind of things, they make me wonder.
Those who do this, they say the passion has died.
People say you need to inject some spice back into life.
But who's to say what's really going on?

Why do I still cry for you?

Love is supposed to keep people together..
If so, then why must the ones we truly love also be the ones to truly hurt us?

It's not that we're not ready. We all are prepared (to some extent).
We know how fickle human minds are.


So why?

Should you fight for a new flame, or fight to keep a dying one burning?